Casebook Marginalia

Certain arresting ideas, images that demand attention, can emerge spontaneously during a session; these are the unexpected rewards of the sort of work that I do. What follows are examples, quickly written down in the moment for later review:

The Obstacle is the Path.
What you think about is what you believe is all you have.
There is reason for sadness but not for shame. Yes, things are painful at times but never dirty.
We may choose to fall apart or to fall together, to be upset or to be inspired, by the surprising events of our lives; yes, we may choose.
My concepts come from my thoughts, but my convictions come from my feelings.
The mystic, who comprehends the cosmos as numinous and ineffable at once, is silent; the fundamentalist, remaining dogmatic and literal, speaks at great length.
Nothing he does to me comes from malice, only great disappointment. Perhaps he expected something else of me.
There is no real evil, only something not yet known, not yet comprehended nor quite understood— something that does not therefore quite yet belong. That troubles us, deeply.
Casual sex is an oxymoron.
The adult asks the child, ‘what do you want to be when you grow up’ and the child responds, ‘what will you want to be when you grow old?’
Although your life so far may not have seemed to invite effort, it required it; this hour that we will spend together, on the other hand, invites your effort, while not requiring it.
Do not interpret: imagine.
If you truly cannot bear the thought of leaving them behind once they are achieved, your goals are best taken along with you as you continue upon your journey.
It takes practice to turn a good idea into a good habit.
Life is bottomless, until we bottom out.
Rather than trying to control it, remember it.
Reality is ConSensual.
Respect is more than simple admiration: it is the considered appreciation of another's worth.
The Void obscures the Plenitude.
Rather than preparing the ritual, prepare yourself for the ritual.
Security is an attitude, not an entitlement.
Nothing ever ends. Only Now begins.
Some mysteries are better entered into than resolved.
Suspicion is the curse of the suspicious.
In the excitement that followed, the firecracker quickly forgot all about his new little friend, the match.
And then, sometimes, the heart breaks open, not apart.
The illusion is that the river is moving. The truth is that Something is moving the river.
There is nothing that does not leak; everything leaks, one thing upon the other, one thing into the other, this into that. Put anything you may think of into any container, and it will nose around looking for an escape. And we are never in control; Nature always runs on ahead of us. Where boundaries are, boundaries are always violated— perhaps subtly, or perhaps with violence— and everything is always in change excepting our desire for security.
Do less to be more.
First be certain that the problem you see in your relationship is not simply the reflection of a problem within yourself.
God is the sum of all things that are; for that very word "sum" means the highest, greatest, and most complete state possible. Everything contained within It contributes towards Its ultimate significance, and finds its own meaning in That Embrace— all things, including each one of ourselves. And we are each contained within God as surely as God resides within each one of us.
Spirituality is God’s Riddle, and religion our faint reply.
I am a vehicle, not a receptacle.
I am content to know how my precious bit of wisdom is so gently embraced within a vast Unknown.
If you really do love somebody, you won’t really have to prove it.
Ignorance judges, wisdom decides.
Lament, rather than blame— and yearn, rather than lament.
No, you’re not in danger: you're only frightened.
Nothing happens. Only our minds happen. Everything else, out there, is still. Still there.
There are no dangerous ideas. There are, however, dangerous thinkers, not for what they might think, but for what they might do.
There is no Darkness, only the absence of Light.
There is no hurry: life is at the same time a monolithic structure, formed from one single, immense and intractable block of stone, and a building that you can enter into whenever you like, to explore as long and as deeply as you will, and to leave whenever you choose.
There is only One God, Who is Loving, gives Loving, and loves Loving; and as we love, we become that God.
This ineffable chasm which lies between myself and my enemy is bridged by the discoveries that I make while exploring what I do not yet understand about myself.
Those who are afraid never go, and the crazy ones never return; and the wise ones have returned to speak to those who would learn.
To believe in God is to conceive of a unified totality, a cosmos that is whole, and to see it's wholeness reflected in our own health in such a way that we may merge with it, without becoming lost in it.
If ultimately, then every step of the way.
The deep chasm between women and men is bridged more by an inner experience of sexuality than by the outer expression of it; and so, as we love we become entirely whole in the presence of one another. That is intimacy.
The path is not apparent until the journey is complete; before then, search and inquiry.
I haven’t the time to follow any other person’s teachings: I’m still busy pursuing my own learning.
It’s not that there was a great distance between us; it’s just that we have had to travel a great distance to discover how close we are.
Two items have become abundantly clear to me: that this world is entirely crazy, and it is, as well, entirely safe.
If you recognize something is significant, then you have made it so.
We are entirely capable of anything we recognize.
We can talk... let's!
We need to know each other’s rage, shame, and grief as well as our own, and then to make our choices accordingly.
Whatever Else it is, it must remain, ultimately, the manifestation of Spirit through Matter, and the dedication of Matter to Spirit.
When you have guided your beloved safely across the river, you too will have arrived at the opposite shore.
Who goes for the bottom line must therefore believe the end always justifies the means.
You’ll know you have finally gotten there when you realize that it will always be the way it’s always been, but you can handle it.
O Beloved, how often have I found myself to be apprentic’d to your compassionate love of me?
I dreamed that famous people came to hear me speak and I said it does not matter—
it does not matter who it is that comes to hear me speak if I myself do not come to speak—
and it does not matter what I dream if I do not remember what I dream—
for the sweetest, purest air is the air in my tires as I am coming home.
It took a long long time and a lot of hard work to get here— only to find I’ve been here all along.
When asked about his relationship with Saint Claire, Saint Francis replied:
‘I can be as I am with her because I must be alone with God, and in her presence I find myself alone with God. For all women can bring you to God, easily, and as easily most can bring you away as well— but those women such as Claire will choose to remain with you, with Him. ’
Yes, things are painful at times— but never dirty.
My opinions identify me and my judgments define you— and I’d best get to work on identifying myself, and leave you to define yourself.
The surface is not shallow— it is the very tangible complexion of the entire volume of its depth, and its appearance is the accurate expression of that which it contains. I celebrate the sensuality of the physical world as nothing less than the countenance of God, taking pleasure in the way things look, and delight in the way they sound; I savor their smells, their touch, their taste... their appearance to me is as an affirmation of an infinite and rich pleroma. The purpose of being here in the physical universe is to discover how we are connected with God through it, not how we are separated from God by it.
It is the poet within each one of us that recognizes the beauty within all of us; it is the artist among us that remembers to celebrate it.
Opportunity is not an obligation, nor is fate demanding. What if we were to learn that fate is not simply the way things have to be but rather the way things work, and that destiny is not how things must turn out but the wholeness that we already are, despite our innocent ignorance? Then, we might understand that fate is not some rigid agenda that has been imposed upon us, but rather something plastic, elastic, with which we might participate, and which can yield then to our play.
Often we seem to awaken to a notion so incredibly significant that we wonder how we ever overlooked it— just before going back to sleep.
There is a realm within the heart that is deep and wholly loving; it is reached through an antechamber that can become strewn and over time cluttered with castoff attitudes and opinions. In certain country homes there is such a place, called the mud-room; here coats and boots are removed before entering the house. Yet there are those who would remain in the mud-room of the heart, and never fully come home.
The student succeeds the teacher at the growing edge, where civilized communities encounter the wilderness. Here the teacher’s vision has wisdom to rest, and the student is restless enough to perceive something intriguing just slightly farther on.
She spoke of pet bereavement, but what I heard was totem grief. Living with animals is like living in an aboriginal dreamtime: we are at once in communion with the depth of a passionate life. This may be why such religions of the indigenous is termed animism: they animate the imaginal. Civilized folk view animism as a quaint superstition, thinking a more intellectual construct of God is somehow more morally evolved. People who do not have pets consider people who do sentimental— yet there must be a reason that it seems more cartoon characters are of animals than of human beings. And no one of us is thoroughly unmoved when speeding past road kill, as an unwilling witness to the dispatch of the indigenous realm by a blind, amoral technology.
We can love another only to the extent that we are able to accept their love, and we can accept the love of others only to the extent that we love ourselves.
Our happiness is, literally, our responsibility— our ability to respond to the pleasures that life provides. Living fully and deeply is an activity, a thing to do, and not an amusement, a thing to get. Too many of us have assumed a passive, vicarious stance in life, expecting to be entertained by a virtual reality rather than grappling with a real one. To enjoy life is an active verb, not a passive one: we are meant to put joy into life, in order that we might experience it. To be well-fed by the events of life we must bring a lusty appetite to it, for it, bringing to every event the enzymes of a personal passion which can break each event down into something inspiring, nourishing and satisfying.
In the attempt to protect ourselves in what we perceive to be a dangerous situation, there is the natural urge to take control of it. However, because there can be no absolute control of any situation that includes the will of others, a conflict often develops that can escalate and threaten to erupt into violence. At that point we have lost control, producing within ourselves the very danger we had sought to avoid in what we had perceived to be a dangerous situation.
Experience must distort events, and in ways that are of fundamental significance to the purpose of being who we are. These distortions ought not be debated, nor dismissed, but studied instead; for the development of one's character is of far more significance than a simple chain of events. Life is lived in order to become a better person, in the presence of one another.
The bottom line is always ‘all the above’. Exclude anything, the presence of any one thing, even the experience of any one thing, and in fact you will have nothing.
Alive, we can only be in one place at a time: here and now. Once we die, we are everywhere.
Laughing so hard I cried helplessly, while my young son scuttled around and about my larger frame, maneuvering his small sailboat inside the seawall the first time he took me out on the water. Watching him learn the way to move I saw that his boat was structured as an instrument, just like the guitar I had played the evening before. I remembered this abruptly when I thought of the young violinist, and the aircraft that he sails through the sky. These instruments built for our play are composed of tension and discipline, and liberate the melody of cruise and flight.
Becoming an excellent spouse in the realm of a dangerous vitality allows full participation in the relationship, and puts control where it belongs: upon myself. I want to excel at marriage the way an athlete excels at his sport, or an artist at his craft: not by going against the rules but rather by observing them in the most strenuous and graceful ways imaginable, being challenged by them to arrive at a personal best by original and creative means.
By all means, yes, validate their experience, but not their opinions; then they will have the freedom they need to change their opinion of their experience.
Listen to, believe the children deliberately, and work to comprehend the sort of truth they want to, need to tell. What is fundamentally true is never simply literal; and what is literally true is only one expression of what is fundamentally true.
It is not about the drawing, it is about the drawing of the drawing.
There are times more lonely when we yearn to be held by something more tangible than the ineffable arms of God’s universe. The older I get the clearer I get that: relationships between men and women can only approach the absolute love only found There, and that choosing contentment may not be a resolution of loneliness but it is more possible here than seeking satisfaction.
I am changed by what I do: the task reaches me through the tools I use, just as I reach through my tools towards the task.
My willingness to grow allows changes to be surprises rather than disappointments.
The quick mind conceals the heavy heart in sleight-of-hand. Too bad... The open heart gives gladly, the closed mind is resistant, resentful. There comes a time when we may forget that we are walking, breathing, living: only conscious motion.
I begin by looking deep within myself, past that ancient numbness which has accumulated about my heart, to discover how I feel. Then I find the words that best express how I feel, and I tell them to you. You set aside your attitudes and opinions to listen to me, and to hear how I feel, and you take my words into your heart. You look deep within yourself, past the ancient numbness that has accumulated about your heart, to recognize how I feel. Then you find the words that best express how you feel I feel, and tell them to me. I set aside my attitudes and opinions to listen to you, and I listen to you, and I hear you. I look deep within myself, past that ancient numbness which has accumulated about my heart, to look past the ancient numbness that has accumulated about your heart, to realize, to know how we feel.
At last: only the remainder of my life is missing, now.
I would show no false modesty about myself, but rather true respect for you.
If you’re not willing to include something new in your life, then you’re not willing to grow.
Some couples remind me of that Grimm tale Hansel and Gretel, and of the two innocent children who had been abandoned in the forest by an evil stepmother. This is one of those fairy tales without the magically helpful intervention of a fairy godmother. The children are vulnerable, and must learn to work to save one another from disaster by a cooperation of their efforts. It takes time, but it is possible.
Who cannot endure solitude cannot then discover true intimacy.
He doesn’t worship her, he worships the ground she walks on.
To transcend doesn’t strictly mean to rise above, I think, but to lift our eyes and see the larger, spiritual context of the situation that we remain within.
We are only beginning to learn what we already know.
We know that we have become wise when we realize that— no matter who they were nor when they lived— they were rascals but they were also angels, they made masterpieces and they made mistakes; and it is upon the forgotten bones of their humanity that our humanity has its uncertain yet forgiving foundation.
Relationships amplify experience.
By all means create space in your relationship, but occupy it: neither invade nor avoid one another. Be present, be yourself aloud in the presence of one another, not for the sake of performance, entertaining another, but for the sake of self-amplification, self-realization.
This is not an easy place to be: there are issues that take attention, and tasks that require effort.
True freedom lies in no longer desiring an escape.
We must remember that there are no gaps among us, and that everything touches, everything is contiguous. As we perceive separations, we cannot conceive unity. Heaven is not a distant mirage, like the blue of the sky, but rests directly upon the surface of this planet, everywhere; mountains thrust into it, and the seas are caressed by it. Earth and heaven are always in intimate contact, and— as lovers— are sensitive, vulnerable and responsive to one another. Remembering this is the work of being here within the immense ambivalence of the human condition. It would help us to know that we are always absolutely immersed in this great and confounding affair of the heart between spirit and matter— life— until our bodies are finally buried deep within the earth, and our souls rise into the farther reaches of heaven.
Energy is a relationship, and vice versa. Vibration, too, is a relationship— this time, within oneself.
It's all right to reject what we do not embrace, as long as what we reject does not become more important than what we embrace.
A father should never be required by God to outlive his son. It would be as though God no longer believed in God.
Of course you’re mad at me— I'm not doing what you want!
Making amends involves recognizing what we have done, what damage we have inflicted, and putting it into context: rather than leaving it a misstep, making it the first step of a healthy process. To clean the room, we must first turn on the lights.
Nostalgia: the inflation (inflammation) of an egosyntonic memory.
He claims free will is denied by the fact that God has always known what we will do; he does not realize that it is our ignorance of God's knowledge that gives us free will. Our understanding cannot comprehend God’s wisdom; we can barely discern what we ourselves have done.
Problems become unsolvable when we begin to prefer feeling sorry for ourselves about them.
A child needs space to grow rather than pressure to change, to be given room while taking shape.
What takes place during the therapeutic hour is not as significant as what takes place in the therapeutic relationship, outside of the hour as well as during it, within the thoughts and feelings of each person involved and within their dreams and reverie, which chart the extent to which each has changed the other, and how they have grown by knowing one another.
Depth, at a distance.
To have potential one must feel potent; healing is paradoxically predicated upon being whole, that is, having a sense of wholeness, of potency.
Our birth, our death, the things we feel and think and learn and have done with— they all have their own schedule in our lives, we have no control over when they happen to us, only over how we happen to them.
I’ve come to this crossroads before; now I must take up the journey beyond it.
My anger is here to educate me, to remind me what is good for me, what my values are— and where I need to protect myself from what is wrong for me.
We all stand equally in the Presence of God, whether turned towards Him or away. In His Presence there is no distance, except the distance that we create within ourselves. As distance is a meaning of the word "sin", so there is no sin except the distance that we create between ourselves and God.
The challenge (and opportunity) of a relationship is to build empathy, to care about the burdens of others while not shouldering their burdens for them.
Grief ought never be reproachful, nor vengeful, nor remorseful, but rather compassionate— contemplating all that we have been given, and dwelling upon the fullness of life.
As a child growing up in the Northcoast region, I often looked up from the beaches towards the cliffs against which the sea would march and pound, and I would marvel at the concomitant march of the land into the sea. The curling of the ocean as it dashes itself against the land is available to every eye, but it takes the practiced eye, able to transcend appearances, to see as well the ways in which the land would roll crashing into the sea.
Mental illness results from a tendency to tolerate ambivalence, and mental health from the capacity to tolerate ambiguity.
One stormy night, while driving across Kansas with the children sleeping in the back of the station wagon, I grew to appreciate the lightening that normally I feared— because, this time, it helped me to see where the tornadoes were.
Rather than deciding what the right thing to do might be, I will recognize the right thing to do.
Shame is a significant component of infantile miasma, now known as failure to thrive. The fault, however, lies with the parent, not the child, in the refusal to nourish— the original abandonment.
Some Christians contend that Jesus unlocked the cage God put us in.
Suffering a loss means being left with less, while letting go means going on, gaining, growing.
Fish-heads, cut and cast gasping into a bucket, remind us there must eventually come a time when there is no longer anything left to be said, or fed.
We may think as we die that the body has failed us, or that our soul has at last outgrown its physical home.
I am happy to be who I am.

❖

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